It’s normal to think that men shouldn't feel fear.  It leads people to associate fear with weakness. But anyone with a strong heart and mind will tell you that fear is not a cowardly emotion because fear is the extra motivation that reminds you that you can run a little faster, jump a little higher , and go a little further. It’s what keeps you going to push to the end. Most people can avoid things they fear, but it takes intelligence and courage to turn the tables and push yourself to do things you might have not done on your own. Fear breeds courage, and tests your true character. Fear is beautiful. Own it.

Where The Lonely Kids Go When The Bell Rings from JW on Vimeo.

 

 

 



Drake ~ 5AM In Toronto from OctobersVeryOwn on Vimeo.

When I was in high school, we had this thing called an "Exit Interview". It was a staged interview aimed at improving our job interview skills. It was an honest attempt at preparing us for the real world. I went through mine thinking I did my thing, thinking everything had gone smoothly, completely oblivious to the ignorance of modern racism.

He must've been in his 50's, small town born and raised I'm sure. He actually didn't seem mean. He was kind of soft spoken. His gray hair and wrinkles that were just starting to show, made him look like the caring grandpa type.

As I got up to leave he said:

"I probably shouldn't ask but here it goes. What's with the earrings? Are you in a gang? What about your watch? I thought this interview was for a scholarship. Do you really need money if you can buy yourself that watch?"

I didn't take offense to it at the time. Like I said, I was completely unaware of what he was really saying. I saw the others' reaction and didn't understand why they gasped.

I simply answered his questions:

"No sir, I'm not in a gang. I pierced my ears because there's a girl that asked me to. And this watch isn't high end or expensive. It's a $20 watch from Wal-Mart that my dad gave me before he went to jail. I work weekends to help my mother. I need as much scholarship money as I can get."

I walked away that day not thinking much about what had been said. I honestly don't even remember how many years it took for me to finally feel anger and disappointment towards that man.

All I know is that whenever I feel like there's something I can't do, an all night study session I can't handle, or I need a reminder of why I chose to live 200 miles away from the only family I've ever known, I relive that memory, except this time I feel the full anger I should have originally felt. My fists clench and I grind my teeth and my stomach feels a pain like I haven't eaten in days. My stomach feels a burn as it starts to twist and turn. I feel the need to shout in full anger to the world that I'm not a bad person. That I've worked hard for everything I have and that I just want everyone that grew up underprivileged and misunderstood like me to realize that we really can do anything we set our minds to, as long as we work at what we truly want.

There's a tranquility that overpowers my mind and body when this little ritual is over. I'm reminded of my decision to use his ignorance as motivation to continue on with the everyday struggles that plague my life. Someday I may see him again, if I ever do, I'll be sure to thank him. He helped shaped the man I am today and the man that I will be tomorrow.